Just Being Real - It's a Vivas Thing!

Aug 16 2015

What I learned this summer…

As summer comes to an end and we prepare for the new year, I have spent time reflecting on the season that is passing as we move forward into the new season that is looming ahead of us.

This summer is not one that I expected. It was full of trials and tribulations everywhere we turned. But what could I take away from it?

I’ve learned I can’t fix everything. Mother’s are born with an innate desire to fix things. A child gets a boo boo and we blow away the pain, put a pretty bandaid on it and kiss it until it’s better. But as they get older, it gets harder. And eventually, we learn the hard way; we just can’t fix everything. Some things have to be worked out on their own, in His timing, in His way. And I have to stay out of the way.

I’ve learned I can’t control everything. Some things are just beyond my control. ‘Nuff said.

I’ve learned I am not as strong as I thought I was. This has been a hard lesson. I have learned more about myself this summer than I ever thought possible. And being strong; not so much. I’m a mess. My strength is not my own. “I can do all things thru Him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

I’ve learned I am stronger than I thought I was. When at my darkest, a light continues to show up. Light thru my children. Light thru my sisters. Light thru a simple text at the right moment. Light thru a memory I’d forgotten about that suddenly pops to my mind.

I’ve learned sisterhood is nothing to be messed with and everything to depend on. Sisterhood has shown up in a way I’ve never experienced before. As an only girl, I did not grow up with sisters. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I could write a blog on this subject alone! Lifelong friendships have surfaced in a way I never dreamed of this summer. When put to the test, sisters, whether cousins, in-laws, or friends for life…they form a bond that cannot be broken. No matter the time or place, they will be there. No matter how crazy we become, they will be there. No matter how rational, irrational, happy, sad, joy, anger, grief, laughter….there is a bond there that cannot be broken. I’ve learned I am not alone; He has placed amazing women in my life in the name of sisterhood. We are sisters…and together we are strong; a cord that cannot be broken.

I’ve learned to let go and let be. Relax or go crazy. Laugh in the face of adversity.

This summer was not as I thought it would be. But, there are moments I will treasure. Conversations in the car with my daughters. Breakthrough moments on the back porch with my sons. “Talk me down” moments with my sisters and inside hee haw jokes that will never go away.

But the biggest lesson I learned this summer was this…

It’s ok to be me. I didn’t know that. I’ve spent much of the later half of my life striving to be what others have told me I have to be…or what I could never be. And the truth is, as long as I live my life with integrity, honesty, mercy, love and compassion, as long as I live my life for Him, I’m ok.

My Tia Gloria shared this with me shortly before she lost her battle to cancer. There was more, but I’ll share just a piece. It has stuck with me, like an imprint on my heart that cannot be removed.

“Mija..you do not need to be what others are telling you to be. Don’t listen to them. The only one that you need to live for is Jesus. And Jesus loves you and accepts you for who you are.”

I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with her, but I hold onto it closely.

A new season starts next week as we go back to school and move into Fall; my favorite season of the year. I’ve yet another son who will begin his journey into adulthood as he starts college. Another who moves on to middle school.

My children; not so little anymore. They’re getting older. They’re growing up. And they continue to surprise me each and every day. They inspire me to be better. To laugh. To love. To be me.

Jan 24 2015

Model Pranksters

So I came across a video this week and it really kinda got to me. It reminded me of the times we’ve gone with B-Boo to feed the homeless and pass out blankets. It never ceases to amaze me how no matter how down they are, they still rush to help each other and make sure the others are being taken care of as well.

They are the first to take care of each other. Instead of trying to get more, they offer what little they have. They are grateful for whatever they are given. They understand acts of kindness and love.

In the video, the well dressed guy is helped, while the homeless man is discarded; ignored. Which got me to thinking even more about people in general.

Who are we most like when it comes to showing kindness and compassion to others in our lives? Do we only show kindness to those who have it all together and ignore those in our lives who don’t?

Do we makes excuses for our own actions of meanness and indifference by convincing ourselves that those we treat this way somehow deserve it?

Even more, are we the one that has no problem showing mercy and grace to strangers who desperately need help, but then have no problem stepping on those in our own personal lives that need us more than ever?

Do we so easily discard those we claim to love like they are so undeserving of anything more from us?

I hope not!

I pray that I can be an example to those who surround me. That I can not become so wrapped up in my own life and my own needs, that I forget what love and compassion and kindness are all about. That I can look around and notice when there is a need and and act upon it…in the right way. I pray that I can stop making excuses for any mean thing that I do, and instead recognize it and stop myself, and do the right thing.

Do the right thing because it is what we are called to do.

I believe that we are called to be good, and true, and kind, and compassionate and to love others as we would want to be loved. I also know that sometimes, we are so caught up in ourselves that we forget.

Instead, we close our eyes to that which we don’t want to see and convince ourselves that our behavior is ok, when it really isn’t.

Meanness is never ok and love conquers all. Sometimes we just lose our focus and need a little reminder.

This is me, just being real.

Here’s the video.

Jan 20 2015

The Struggle…

I was talking to a friend today as he shared about a friend of his getting a divorce. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I said to him, “Yeah, you may have to love them, but there will be plenty of times where you won’t like them.” (Meaning our spouses)…to which he started laughing and confirmed rather quickly, “You got that right!” I then was able to add, “That’s where commitment comes in.” But it was pretty funny.

We went on to speak a little bit more about society’s lack of commitment and understanding of what love is today.

In light of an earlier conversation with my husband, my brain has once again started the pondering process that just-won’t-let-me-sleep.

And what is it you say?

LOVE

Why is it we can so easily hurt those we claim to love the most? Is it because we think they will always be there for us? That they will never ever leave us?

I mean, something has to be said for the confidence we feel in knowing that we can always depend on the love we receive, right? Or is it something more?

Is it commitment?

The commitment of a parent to a child?

The commitment of a husband to a wife?

A relationship, be it friend or lover?

I’m an empathizer. I used to think I was a sympathizer, but I realize more and more that when those I love hurt, I just feel it deep down. And it hurts. I should probably work on that. 🙂

I’ve had some dear, sweet friends suffer some great losses lately. And it just makes me sad. But, at the same time, I am amazed at the love and commitment that they have shown to their loved ones. Decades of loving and caring and being there thru the good and the bad. Wow.

I can only hope that our marriage and parenting can be that kind of example to others.

So many couples today have no grasp of what real love is. They want to test it out and if it doesn’t work, well then, that’s ok and they move on to the next one.

I think the media has given us a wrong idea of what love really is. Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing better than a great romance movie! But it honestly just isn’t that easy. It’s not a fairy tale. It takes hard work, and perseverance and patience, and some days, reminding ourselves of what we fell in love with to begin with…and most importantly…

…Reminding ourselves of why our love is always worth fighting for!

And parenthood? So many parents have no grasp of what it really means to love and be committed to their children. Unfortunately, I see that way more often than I ever thought possible. It just breaks my heart.

As an adoptive parent, I’m learning that no matter how much love I have to give, it just might never be enough to break thru the damage that has been done. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But as I sat with my sweet friend this evening, we had a little epiphany…

Maybe the reason it’s so hard, is because my daughter knows deep down how much I love her. Maybe she acts this way because she knows how committed I am to her since we persevered for years in order to be able to finally adopt her and that no matter what, I’m not about to stop loving her. For you see, as parents, we are not going anywhere.

Maybe, maybe not. I just don’t know. But I’ll keep trying. And I’ll keep loving.

So, here I am, midnight…and it’s here.

This is me…just being real.

Jan 18 2015

What’s wrong with control?

Last night I posted this photo of the word “control.” There are a whole list of thoughts going thru my head about this word. control

First, let’s look at the definition,

¹con·trol

noun

the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

verb \kən-ˈtrōl\

: to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want

: to have power over (something)

: to direct the actions or function of (something) : to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way

“The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events…”

I think this is the one I struggle with the most. Lately, I seem to be witnessing a lot of “loss of control” in the lives of those I come into contact with. And loss of control not only hurts those who are around us, but ourselves as well.

I’ve watched families be torn apart because someone will allow something or someone else to control them. Most often, it seems like they are fighting so hard to get control of one thing, they don’t realize they’ve lost the ability to control their own thoughts and actions and instead let the thoughts and actions of others take over.

Why is it when we fight so hard to get control, we end up losing it anyway?

Children who have grown up and don’t want to live under the control of their parents; so they instead allow their friends to control their thoughts and actions.

I remember years ago, one of my kids had a great friend. They were inseparable and just loved to be together. The problem was that when the two of them were together, they lacked the ability to make good decisions. Together, they could not control their thoughts and actions. And so, they had to be separated.

Easy to do when they are young. Not so much when they are older. Instead, relationships are torn apart because the influence of the friends and those they have grown close with cloud their vision. They want so badly to be in control of their own lives, “don’t tell me what to do.” Unfortunately, they let their thoughts and actions be controlled by those around them, in essence, just transferring the control over to someone else. But, they just don’t see it that way.

And when one lacks the ability to separate them-self even for a moment, to just take a step back and say, “Hey, can I just turn them off even for a day?” You-Have-Lost-Contol.

Technology makes it so much harder. It used to be we could just walk away…these days, our technology has become a part of our being. They cannot get away from it because their phones are with them 24/7. And the influence in the name of friendship is coming at them non-stop. There is a continual stream of texting, texting, texting….and they just can’t get away. They just can’t turn off the phone or ignore the never-ending conversation because that would be rude, right?

And it’s not always people who control us. It can be our thoughts, food, drugs…you get where I am going.

“I just want to be in control.”

But in the fight to be in control of something…anything…something else takes control. Food. Drugs. Rampant thoughts. Depression. Not okay.

“I just want to be in control.”

But there’s a difference. There is nothing wrong with having self-control.

self-con·trol

noun

the ability to control oneself, in particular one’s emotions and desires or the expression of them in one’s behavior, especially in difficult situations.

Ding, ding, ding!

Self-control is having the ability to not be controlled by our emotions, or the thoughts and actions of others surrounding us. It is having the ability to not let others influence us so much that we lose control of who we are and what we *used to* believe in. It is having ability to try and stop the stupidity. It is the having ability to DO-THE-RIGHT-THING.

Self-control give us the strength to not steal.

Self-control gives us the ability to say no to drugs.

Self-control gives us the ability to say no to chocolate. (I had to throw that in there!)

Self-control gives us the ability to shut off whatever is influencing us from the outside that is allowing us to continue to hurt not only ourselves, but those around us.

But first, we must recognize that we have lost control. We have to recognize that we cannot shut it down, turn it off, stay away from it…

and that it has changed the way we think, act and treat ourselves and those around us…

When it causes us to make excuses or become defensive or blame someone/something else..

then maybe, just maybe, (it/he/she) has control of us.

And maybe, just maybe, we need to take back control, and have a little self-control.

And as parents, there comes a point where we have to let it go. Because when we allow the worry, the heart ache, the pain, the guilt (“where did we go wrong?”)…to consume us, we have let the enemy take control. And we have to remember that He is in control.

This is me, just being real.

Jun 13 2014

Tia Gloria

There are those special people you meet in life that just make you smile. My Tia Gloria was one of kind. From the moment I first met her, her genuine kindness and infectious smile just tugged at my heart. She was always ready for a good time and always there to encourage you.

At our wedding, she just danced and danced…and made sure everyone else was doing the same. Last year, she did the same at our son’s wedding.

Ruben & Myra Wedding — Dancing at Ruben's wedding

Tio Pete and Tia Gloria had a home that was always open and welcome. I’m pretty sure there was not a soul who ever walked into their home who wasn’t made to feel like you were part of their family. Theirs was a love of a lifetime and the results of that love filtered out to anyone who was in their presence.

Over the past 23 years, I have had the privilege of being accepted into the Rubio family. Although we live in two different states, we often laugh when telling others about the Rubio’s…they’re loud, fun and most of all, about the most loving, accepting people you’ll ever meet! And that, I am sure, comes from Tia Gloria and Tio Pete.

Tia Gloria went home to be with the Lord this week. I’m still in shock, having a hard time believing it’s real. It just doesn’t seem possible, and yet…

I can’t help but remember the last time we saw each other in person; almost a year ago. I have reflected on our conversation many times over the past year; it made that much of an impact on me. I was traveling to pick up Bboo from a missionary trip to Canada. On a whim, I called my cousin and told her where I was and asked how close was I to her. Turns out I was within minutes, so before I knew it, I was at her house. She immediately called her parents, Tia Gloria and Tio Pete, and let hem know I was there. They came right over and we all had breakfast together. I was so very touched that they had all just dropped what they were doing just to spend time with me.

As Tia and I were sitting together, we were just talking. I don’t know how she knew my heart so well, I hadn’t said anything, but she looked me in the eye and said to me, “Mija, don’t ever worry about what others think of you. Don’t worry about them judging you or not understanding you. You just keep on being yourself and and loving Jesus and know that I love you.”

I have played that over and over in my head so much. I left there so very grateful for the love that she has always shown; the acceptance that she has always given. Most of all, knowing that I was important enough for them to just drop everything to spend time with me.

I believe that was her legacy. She just had a way of making sure everyone knew how much they were loved. Tia Gloria, beautiful inside and out; deeply missed, but thankful to have had her in my life.

I love you, Tio, Renee, Monica, Peter, and Anthony. I am so very sorry.

LOVE

1con·trol

“The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events…”

self-con·trol

¹con·trol