Hope - It's a Vivas Thing!

Jan 20 2015

The Struggle…

I was talking to a friend today as he shared about a friend of his getting a divorce. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I said to him, “Yeah, you may have to love them, but there will be plenty of times where you won’t like them.” (Meaning our spouses)…to which he started laughing and confirmed rather quickly, “You got that right!” I then was able to add, “That’s where commitment comes in.” But it was pretty funny.

We went on to speak a little bit more about society’s lack of commitment and understanding of what love is today.

In light of an earlier conversation with my husband, my brain has once again started the pondering process that just-won’t-let-me-sleep.

And what is it you say?

LOVE

Why is it we can so easily hurt those we claim to love the most? Is it because we think they will always be there for us? That they will never ever leave us?

I mean, something has to be said for the confidence we feel in knowing that we can always depend on the love we receive, right? Or is it something more?

Is it commitment?

The commitment of a parent to a child?

The commitment of a husband to a wife?

A relationship, be it friend or lover?

I’m an empathizer. I used to think I was a sympathizer, but I realize more and more that when those I love hurt, I just feel it deep down. And it hurts. I should probably work on that. 🙂

I’ve had some dear, sweet friends suffer some great losses lately. And it just makes me sad. But, at the same time, I am amazed at the love and commitment that they have shown to their loved ones. Decades of loving and caring and being there thru the good and the bad. Wow.

I can only hope that our marriage and parenting can be that kind of example to others.

So many couples today have no grasp of what real love is. They want to test it out and if it doesn’t work, well then, that’s ok and they move on to the next one.

I think the media has given us a wrong idea of what love really is. Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing better than a great romance movie! But it honestly just isn’t that easy. It’s not a fairy tale. It takes hard work, and perseverance and patience, and some days, reminding ourselves of what we fell in love with to begin with…and most importantly…

…Reminding ourselves of why our love is always worth fighting for!

And parenthood? So many parents have no grasp of what it really means to love and be committed to their children. Unfortunately, I see that way more often than I ever thought possible. It just breaks my heart.

As an adoptive parent, I’m learning that no matter how much love I have to give, it just might never be enough to break thru the damage that has been done. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But as I sat with my sweet friend this evening, we had a little epiphany…

Maybe the reason it’s so hard, is because my daughter knows deep down how much I love her. Maybe she acts this way because she knows how committed I am to her since we persevered for years in order to be able to finally adopt her and that no matter what, I’m not about to stop loving her. For you see, as parents, we are not going anywhere.

Maybe, maybe not. I just don’t know. But I’ll keep trying. And I’ll keep loving.

So, here I am, midnight…and it’s here.

This is me…just being real.

Jan 18 2015

What’s wrong with control?

Last night I posted this photo of the word “control.” There are a whole list of thoughts going thru my head about this word. control

First, let’s look at the definition,

¹con·trol

noun

the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

verb \kən-ˈtrōl\

: to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want

: to have power over (something)

: to direct the actions or function of (something) : to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way

“The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events…”

I think this is the one I struggle with the most. Lately, I seem to be witnessing a lot of “loss of control” in the lives of those I come into contact with. And loss of control not only hurts those who are around us, but ourselves as well.

I’ve watched families be torn apart because someone will allow something or someone else to control them. Most often, it seems like they are fighting so hard to get control of one thing, they don’t realize they’ve lost the ability to control their own thoughts and actions and instead let the thoughts and actions of others take over.

Why is it when we fight so hard to get control, we end up losing it anyway?

Children who have grown up and don’t want to live under the control of their parents; so they instead allow their friends to control their thoughts and actions.

I remember years ago, one of my kids had a great friend. They were inseparable and just loved to be together. The problem was that when the two of them were together, they lacked the ability to make good decisions. Together, they could not control their thoughts and actions. And so, they had to be separated.

Easy to do when they are young. Not so much when they are older. Instead, relationships are torn apart because the influence of the friends and those they have grown close with cloud their vision. They want so badly to be in control of their own lives, “don’t tell me what to do.” Unfortunately, they let their thoughts and actions be controlled by those around them, in essence, just transferring the control over to someone else. But, they just don’t see it that way.

And when one lacks the ability to separate them-self even for a moment, to just take a step back and say, “Hey, can I just turn them off even for a day?” You-Have-Lost-Contol.

Technology makes it so much harder. It used to be we could just walk away…these days, our technology has become a part of our being. They cannot get away from it because their phones are with them 24/7. And the influence in the name of friendship is coming at them non-stop. There is a continual stream of texting, texting, texting….and they just can’t get away. They just can’t turn off the phone or ignore the never-ending conversation because that would be rude, right?

And it’s not always people who control us. It can be our thoughts, food, drugs…you get where I am going.

“I just want to be in control.”

But in the fight to be in control of something…anything…something else takes control. Food. Drugs. Rampant thoughts. Depression. Not okay.

“I just want to be in control.”

But there’s a difference. There is nothing wrong with having self-control.

self-con·trol

noun

the ability to control oneself, in particular one’s emotions and desires or the expression of them in one’s behavior, especially in difficult situations.

Ding, ding, ding!

Self-control is having the ability to not be controlled by our emotions, or the thoughts and actions of others surrounding us. It is having the ability to not let others influence us so much that we lose control of who we are and what we *used to* believe in. It is having ability to try and stop the stupidity. It is the having ability to DO-THE-RIGHT-THING.

Self-control give us the strength to not steal.

Self-control gives us the ability to say no to drugs.

Self-control gives us the ability to say no to chocolate. (I had to throw that in there!)

Self-control gives us the ability to shut off whatever is influencing us from the outside that is allowing us to continue to hurt not only ourselves, but those around us.

But first, we must recognize that we have lost control. We have to recognize that we cannot shut it down, turn it off, stay away from it…

and that it has changed the way we think, act and treat ourselves and those around us…

When it causes us to make excuses or become defensive or blame someone/something else..

then maybe, just maybe, (it/he/she) has control of us.

And maybe, just maybe, we need to take back control, and have a little self-control.

And as parents, there comes a point where we have to let it go. Because when we allow the worry, the heart ache, the pain, the guilt (“where did we go wrong?”)…to consume us, we have let the enemy take control. And we have to remember that He is in control.

This is me, just being real.

Nov 02 2014

My Pantry!

So this morning I woke up and thought, “I feel like baking something!”

I had time, I was in the mood, I was hungry, the weather was good…why not?

So I headed down to the kitchen ready to pull my stuff out of the pantry and start baking.

Only….

It was empty! I mean, seriously empty! In all the years of our marriage, I have never had an empty pantry! I am a baker by nature….I love to try out new recipes and I love to just throw things together. Only this morning…..

My pantry was empty! I have no vanilla, I have no pumpkin, I had no bananas, I have no raisins, I am almost out of chocolate chips. I seriously have no canned goods, either! Can’t make muffins, can’t make cookies, can’t make rice pudding, can’t make a breakfast casserole (no eggs either!)…in the end, we had to settle for malt-0-meal.

I was not happy with myself this morning…how did I let it get this far?

I’m not sure…but I do know one thing…I’m going to have to slowly build it back up and regain my baking skills!

So…what’s in your pantry folks?

Oct 19 2014

Family

When our kids were younger, it was often said we looked for any reason to celebrate. We’d have families over with their kids and had so much fun. (I miss those days). The older the kids get, the less you have these times. I get it. But still….

Even within our own family, it is harder and harder for our growing family to all be in the same place at once. Still, I know we all try and if one of us is missing, it is noticeable. I’m glad we have instilled in our family that there are just times when we all need to be together. They may jokingly grumble or make a face, but I know they all look forward to ALL of us being together.

I know I look forward to it.

Yesterday was Drama Queen’s birthday. And while I am thrilled that it was her birthday and I look forward to our “annual selfie birthday photo,” it’s also put me in a good mood just knowing I was going to have my whole family together yesterday.

And I knew I was going to ask for a family photo and that they would grumble because they hate it and there are too many of us and they are still growing so who is shorter and taller is a little confusing now, but still, they went and took one for me. And ONE shot was all we had, soooo…but any way. 🙂

I guess this is why Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s not so much Thanksgiving and Christmas, but knowing that we have three family birthdays, plus family/friend parties, plus the holidays and more. It’s knowing that for the next few months there will be fires outside and beautiful weather, with laughter and talking and times for us to get together and irritate each other and laugh at and with each other….it’s all of that time we have together as a family…and embrace it as we continue to grow and change and well, this is my family…and I love them. 🙂

Oct 01 2014

Snakes and Toilet Paper Rolls!

It’s amazing the conversations that take place in our family. Sometimes, the group texts are even funnier! Someone will send out a message and 68 messages later we can’t stop laughing! It’s crazy. There’s also the weird things that happen in our family that cause us to send out messages like the one below:

Me: “Are you removing the cardboard from the toilet paper? Someone keeps taking them out of the roll in the downstairs and boys bathroom?”

Response:” How is that even possible?”

Me: “You got me!”

Response:” Ha ha ha so no. :)”

It’s rather inconvenient when the group messages start while I am at work. Especially when I am in a meeting and my phone won’t stop…and I happen to glance down…and then burst out into laughter before I can stop myself.

Other times…it’s just a little scary.

Like a couple of weeks ago when my husband sent out, “Has anyone seen the snake?”

Responses are immediate with shock and laughter.

You see, it’s not uncommon for these types of conversations…”Why is there a frozen snake in my freezer?” or”Mom! Who put the lizard in the freezer and why is his head split open?” are not strange questions in my house.

It’s not uncommon for one of my kids to start a conversation with, “So mom…what would you say if…..” and I know it would shock others, but…that’s just the way the Vivas’s roll.

Sometimes I feel like our family should come with warning label, “Warning…you are now entering the Vivas Zone…”

So, when asked if we had seen the snake….we giggled.

Then, we realized the snake was really missing…and we were immediately concerned.

Not because we were afraid of the snake; he’s been with us for several years. We were concerned because we knew how much it meant to the Talented One and how heartbroken he must be. So, we searched and searched. And friends felt bad but remarked how they were not coming over until the snake was found.

And we weren’t sure when we would find him because he’d just been fed.

The last time our other snake got lose (someone forgot to close the lid), was found quickly…because he decided to take a nap with the Talented One. 😯

Anyway, a week went by. No snake.

And another week.

And then, this morning, excitement in the air. As the Smart One told it, he was sound asleep in La La Land when the Talented One started turning on all the lights. At first he wasn’t happy, then he realized the snake had been found! Turns out he was thirsty and needed some water.

Friends, you’ll be happy to know you can come over again…the snake is happily locked in his cage.

And don’t worry, I think someone knows that someone better not ever ever touch the snake again.

You know…all in the life of a Vivas!