Reflections

This week has kind of been a blur. The Princess is in the hospital again, which just breaks my heart. As if that wasn't enough, first thing Monday, I received some news. The call went something like this:

Me, "Yes, this is Hope Vivas and I'd like the results of my 2nd mammogram please."

Girl A, "Hold on one moment please."

Girl B, "Ms. Vivas, I just want you to know we've already talked to the breast surgeon and we're setting up your surgery for tomorrow. We just need to check with the schedulers and we'll call you back."

Me, with my brain trying to grasp what she was saying, "Huh?"

Girl B, "The doctor's have already talked and we'll have you scheduled with the breast surgeon within the hour. We're trying to have it done tomorrow."

Keep in mind, I have absolutely, without a doubt, no idea what she is talking about.

Me, "My surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday."

Girl B, "No. That surgery is canceled. They will not do that surgery until they know what is going on with your breast."

Me, "Wait. What is going on with my breast? What did the report say?"

Girl B, "It says it is highly suspicious. I'll call you back within the hour to let you know when your surgery is."

I just kind of hung up the phone, calmly walked outside to my husband and said, "I'm really sorry, but you won't be able to make you're trip this week. I have to see the breast surgeon." And then, I started to cry.

Within the hour, I get another call from Girl B. She states that there are no breast surgeons in this city who take medicaid (my husband has been out of work for three months), so they are going to send me to the diagnostic center for a biopsy and then we'll have more time to find a surgeon. I need to get my films in the meantime. I feel nauseous.

When you get a phone call like this, several thoughts run through your brain. It ended up that I was scheduled for my biopsy yesterday, but on a waiting list for Tuesday and Wednesday. I've decided that people shouldn't mess with me like this. I consider myself a reasonable person and I can take it, if you just let me know what is going on.

So, I get a call from the nurse at the diagnostic center who let me know what to expect. She wants to know if I want Valium. I have a pretty strong tolerance for pain, but I hate, hate, hate needles. And apparently, they're going to be in my breast. For about an hour. My mom says, "You'll want the drugs."

B-boo thought that was funny. It reminded her of the scene in "Last Holiday" when Queen Latifa needs brain surgery and her insurance won't pay for it. She asks the lady how much it will cost, and the lady tells her. Then she says, "That's without anesthesia. You'll want that." We cracked up. We tend to find humor in bad situations. That's how we survive.

So we finally get to Thursday and we walk back, husband and friend in tow. He's cracking jokes. I tell the nurse, "Now you know why I need drugs." She thinks that's funny. Then she's hands me the drugs and tells me to chew and swallow because they'll kick in faster. Taste nasty, but if it works faster, then I'll do it! From there, we go into the room with the big table with a hole in it. I'll be lying there for the next 40ish minutes, hanging through the hole while getting poked and prodded with needles. The show me the pictures of my problem and explain why they need to be removed, how they're going to do it and what they are looking for.  I'm praying the drugs kick in soon.

They don't.

I explain my fear of needles as they prep me for the test. Ladies, that second mammogram wasn't nothing compared to the biopsy!

You have to lay there…and not move. Not that you would anyway, because they've once again, managed to squeeze you into a vice so tight you wouldn't dare even think of moving. Then, I see hoses. I ask what they are for and she says they're the vacuum. I decided to stop asking questions right then and there. I don't want to know anything else.

Next, the nurse asks me to close my eyes. I shut them tight! That can only mean one thing; needles. And the drugs still haven't kicked in.

I feel myself getting sterilized and then she places her hand on my back. The doctor comes in and introduces himself and lets me know what he's doing. They remind me not to move. No problem. They say it will numb me like Novocain numbs at the dentist. (I'm secretly praying this works better since Novocain doesn't always work with me. And believe me, I want this one to WORK!)

One. Two. Three. Four. Four numbing shots. Not fun.

Then, they tell me to let them know if I feel any sharp pains because I'm not supposed to.

Don't worry, I'll let you know! But I just say, "Ok" because I'm trying really hard not to move.

Next, they put the big needle in me. I can feel it, but it doesn't hurt. But it feels big. I could be wrong, but still…..and then, the machine turns on. It sounds something like when they mix paint at the paint store, but it's your breast that's being mauled. This goes on for a while, and then they tell you again,

"Don't move. The needle is still in you and we need to make sure we have all we need."

Yeah, ok, no problem!

After a few more moments, they come back and tell you that they're done. They insert a little titanium clip for future tests as a marker, and then inform you that you have to have yet another mammogram.

"Well then, could you please hurry and do it while my breast is still numb?"

Unfortunately for me, someone else is getting a mammogram, so I have to wait in the waiting room with the other ladies who are waiting for their mammograms. Only, I've obviously just had a procedure (You can tell by the hospital gown and bag of ice), and they're in cute little pink smocks. It's funny being on this side. This time, the other women try to avoid your eyes and the room becomes instantly silent. The air becomes thick and uncomfortable. They all look down at their laps.

Finally, I am called back. It's not near as painful this time. (Of course, I'm still numb!) The nurse says that the 2nd mammograms are the worst. No kidding!

This morning, I'm taking it easy like I'm supposed to. It's hard to sleep when you can't lay down like you want to. I'm sore.

But, I have time to sit and reflect on things. I've done that a lot this week.  My son wants to know why God keeps allowing these things to happen. He just doesn't understand. I tell him, I don't either. But I do know this: We have a big God, who loves us. We have to keep our faith in Him, and trust Him. I do know He'll bring us closer to Him, to us, if we'll allow Him. So, this week, things aren't worth getting upset over.

Instead, I've played cards with B-boo and the Good Looking One's girlfriend.

I've relaxed while I listen to the Talented One play the piano. His music is so soothing.

I smile at myself when I see ALL of the Drama Queen's stuffed animals stuffed against her window, facing out, and tied with the blinds, as if they are looking for Santa or the Tooth Fairy to arrive.

I enjoyed sharing chocolate with Punky and B-boo while we watch a show together. 

I'm taking the time to talk to the friends who call to check in.

I relax as the Smart One brushes my hair for me before he heads off to school.

I enjoy the breakfast in bed that the Drama Queen brings me. Silver tray, plate of toast and eggs, with my favorite jelly. Salt and pepper included and purple flowers to make it look pretty.

I love my husband for being so sweet. And loving. And making me smile in spite of it all.