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What are good choices anyway?

Someone asked the other day, “What are good choices anyway?” I just happened to read it on her tweet (Hey, Tree..this one’s for you!)..and told her I’d have to write a blog about it!

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last 24 hours…and here’s what I’ve come up with:

Choices made by parents

As parents, we have to make all kinds of choices. I am sure I am not the only one who has questioned some of the choices I’ve made as a parent. Parents make mistakes. We often joke that our first child is our guinea pig, and then we learn as we grow as a family. It’s been my experience that the older we get, the more we relax as parents and things that may have seemed detrimental with the first child isn’t so much so as we get to number seven…to all of the oldest children out there….I apologize for all past, present, and future parents. You’ll get there one day, and then you’ll understand.

That said, in regards to our children, a lot of choices we make are sacrificial choices; therefore they are good choices. An example of this is our dear Drama Queen. She was born with severe, life threatening food allergies. As an infant, there wasn’t a formula she could drink. And, she was allergic to my breast-milk if I ate anything she was allergic to. I just knew we’d both die of starvation before it was all over. I made a good choice to stop eating anything she was allergic to so that she could be healthy.  I was super skinny and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was necessary to help her. (My husband however, made a bad choice when he ate chocolate in front of me, knowing I couldn’t have it. 😯 )

Sometimes we have to make choices for the benefit of others, even when it’s not easy for us. When we choose sacrificial love, we both benefit, therefore it’s a good choice. 

Parenting adult children offers a whole new realm of choices. I believe as parents we have to make the choice to support them in certain decisions, even when we don’t agree with them. For instance, they may choose a career path that is not what we would have chosen for them, but it’s their choice as adults to decide what it is they want to do as a career for the rest of their life. That choice may not make them wealthy or may not make life easy for them, but it’s their choice. Supporting them in this area is definitely a good choice. 🙂

Choices made under the influence of others

As parents, we have often heard, “but so and so is doing it,” to which we respond, “Well, if so and so jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?”

Too often we are influenced in our choices by others. Just because everyone else is doing this, does not mean it’s the right choice for us. Bad choice. Nuff said?

Influencing others in their choices

This one is a little more difficult. Two scenarios:

Influencing your friend or loved one to make a choice because it benefits you, not them, is not a good choice. Now, I’m sure we can think of a time when we really wanted someone to do something because it was to our benefit…you know you’ve all worked really hard to persuade someone, right? Now, if that’s a choice to go to Chic-fil-A, then, ok, not so bad (unless they are allergic to peanuts…)

But when it comes to life choices, or if they are seeking your advice, put some thought into it, and make sure you have integrity, because you need to make sure you are not thinking about what would be better for you, and instead, what is it that they need to hear. Remember, what may be good for you is not necessarily what is good for them.

Impulsive Choices

I’m all for impulsivity and flexibility…living life to the fullest. I can impulsively choose ice cream or chocolate at just about any moment! Not necessarily good for my weight, but definitely good for my spirit!

I can impulsively choose to buy a gift for someone just because I know they’d like it. Good choice.

But sometimes, we need to step back and think about the consequences. How will this affect me in the long run? Is it going to hurt someone else? Is there any benefit to this choice at all other than right at this moment it will make me feel better? Too often we make choices based on the moment; not always a good choice.

Which brings me to the next topic:

Your Word and Integrity come with a choice.

Promises are made by choice. Ever heard the term, empty promises? Think about what it is you are promising before you make the promise. Honoring your WORD is a good choice. Empty promises, not so much.

Integrity; we can choose every day to live our life with integrity. Integrity=good choice. Selfishness=bad choice.

Make sure when your choice affects someone else you put careful thought into it first.

Choices made in relationships

This one is hard because we tend to hurt those we love the most. Why? Because we know they will always be there for us.

A choice to put someone else’s need ahead of our own in the relationship. Good choice. Why? Because if both parties are more concerned about the other, it’s a win, win. Ever heard of the story where the girl cuts her long hair to buy a gold chain for her husband’s watch, but he sells the watch to buy a beautiful comb for her long hair? The choice to love unconditionally is always a good choice.

And so, here are some of my thoughts on “What are good choices anyway?”

Bottom line?

Choosing to do what is right and true and good is always a good choice.

Thanks for the inspiration, Miss Tree!

choice

 

Our Deepest Treasure…

I realize as we grow older, we will encounter loss. It’s inevitable. It’s also not something we can ever prepare ourselves for, whether the loss is after a long illness or sudden and unexpected.

Over the past few years, I’ve watched friends lose their spouses and how they come thru it. Recently, there have been even more.

Loss is devastating. As my cousin said to me yesterday, it’s a slow process and takes time to re-establish. Yes, it does.

I remember when our neighbor lost her husband suddenly in an auto accident. The Smart One was so sweet; it was only weeks before Valentine’s Day and so he insisted on getting her a card since no one else would be giving her one that year. It was beautiful. That was several years ago; and yet this week, as we were talking, she mentioned she is finally ready to deal with his death. Grief has it’s own timeline.

I have another friend who is just so special to me. She lost her husband suddenly after an unexpected illness. She is so strong and has it so put together. And yet, when asked if she was a Ms. or a Mrs. this week, she faltered, and then replied “Mrs.” I could just see her face change…and all I could do was hug her and tell her I love her.

I’ve watched others sit by their spouse’s bedsides as they lose their fight to cancer or another illness. It’s hard enough to watch them go thru it; I cannot imagine the heartbreak. And yet, they are strong, and they somehow make it thru.

I have another friend who is a young widow; now a single mother. I don’t think she really has any idea how much she amazes me. Her entire life was turned upside down and she rose to the challenge, went to work, went to school, and changes the lives of others every single day.

Recently, someone asked me if love was enough…and is it love if we think we’d be ok if anything happened to them.

I thought about this a lot since then. Did I give the wrong answer? My grandparents died exactly one year to the day apart. They spent their whole lives together; my grandfather went first, and she joined him a year later.

I replied I know I’d be able to make it thru. And honestly, I’d rather it be me left behind first, because I know I am strong and have my kids and friends and loved ones to get me thru. It’s not that I don’t love him deeply, I do. It’s just that I’m the type that works my way thru things. He’s been a part of helping me to become that strong.

When things are tough, I re-establish.

I worry about my honey though. I’m not so sure he’d be ok. Not that he’s not strong, he is. But I sooooo don’t want him to suffer that type of loss.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I think about those who have lost their loved ones. And they remind me,

“Cherish the moments with the ones you love, because you don’t know if it will be your last.”

Recently, someone was talking about their loss, and how it was coming up to five years. She said to me, “I spent so much time regretting what I didn’t do and what I should have done. And it’s taken me five years to get thru the pain. So, Hope, if you see this, pray for pain.”

I was like…huh?

And she continued, “Pray for pain. Because sometimes, it takes pain for us to see what we’ve lost. And I’d rather have pain now, then when it’s too late to make any changes. Embrace the pain and learn from it. Then you realize what you lost and how to move forward.”

Love is a gift to be held on to.

I think perhaps that sometimes today’s generation has the wrong idea of what love is; that it’s temporary. They wait for the “BAM!” so they will know it is real and continue to look for something better instead of treasuring what they already have. Society today looks at what can they get out of love, instead of what are they willing to put into it.

They forget, that it’s a choice to show someone that they are their deepest treasure.

time

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day with old friends. For a bit, we pondered on the good ole days. Back when things were easier, and our kids were younger and we had fun together. They’re about to be empty nesters. It will be just the two of them. What will they do?

As we said our goodbyes and walked away, the two of them made fun of us, “Ah look, they’re holding hands.”

As we started the 90 minute drive back home, my husband made sure to put on music he knew I’d like. We made small chat for a few minutes, but I was tired after a long day. I felt guilty at first, for not talking much. But then, I thought…this is so nice. Just the two of us, listening to music, driving together…comfortable enough to just be.

We’ve been together a long time. And I pray we have many more years to come. And I hope, I’m one that says, I’m glad I did, instead of I wish I had.

Adoption Day!

We waited a long time for today; it’s been over 10 long years. There were times when we gave up. And then, God would bring them back. There’s a story to tell…another day.

Today, I want to share with you the joy of our adoption.

They were so excited...waiting to go in and get this thing over with!

 

"Miss Cathy" our very dear friend...thank you for being there for us!

 

"MIss Elaina"....God placed you here for a reason...to bring these children home, no matter the cost to you. Forever we are grateful!

 

Taking pictures helped with the waiting!

 

The "A" Team!

 

Standing before the Judge, waiting to start! (Comical Moment: Our son lets the judge know he is matching today!)

 

Swearing In!

 

Attorney explaining to the judge why we are asking to adopt...almost there!

 

This is the point where I lose it... Cathy and Elaina cry along with me!

 

Thank you, Cathy, for capturing the moment!

 

And it's official!

 

While they pick out gifts from the judge...

 

The adults can't help but smile!

 

What a glorious day!

 

They're smiling...because "no one can ever take them away from us again"

 

It is with the deepest, heartfelt gratitude, that we thank you all. Thank you for praying for us throughout the years. For holding us when we lost them again and again…and for rejoicing with us each time we got them back. I can’t imagine going through this without our “prayer warriors.”

For those of you who share “Thankful Thursday” with me…this is mine! (I love you, sisters!)

It’s sinking in…it’s real…I guess we’d better figure out how to add some more rooms to this house!

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in Hope

Be Patient in Tribulation

Be Faithful in Prayer

 

Knights and Princesses

Last night I was out with one of my sons. He volunteered to come along with me to get some soup since I'd been feeling under the weather. As we walked through the store, he offered to carry my groceries. Then he did the self-checkout for me and carried the groceries out to the car. When it came time to open the car, he offered to take the keys, opened the door, waited for me to get in, handed me the keys and shut the door.

It's so nice to have my young knight around.

Here's the thing; too often today we are not teaching our young men how to be gentlemen. Even more so; we don't always teach our young ladies how to be, well, ladies.

I've had a few conversations with different people about this lately. It just keeps coming up; don't know why, but enough that I thought I'd write about my thoughts on it. So, let's start with my boys…no, the girls…it's hard to decide.

My girls:

I want my girls to want to be treated like a lady. Today's world is so much about empowering women. Women can do it all. Women are just as strong as men. Women don't need a man to take care of them.

And heaven forbid, we should actually teach our daughters how to cook and clean and take care of babies; because then we live in the dark ages and we are forcing our daughters to be less.

Really?

God created women with the gift of child bearing. What a gift! To be able to have that life inside of you; knowing only you have the ability to bond in that special way with this child during those precious months. Women have the ability to see a child and naturally want to take care of them; whether it is their own child or some one elses. That's how we are created! I'm proud to have been able to stay home and take care of my family for years. I love that I got to spend that time with them. I love those precious moments.

I've had other women tell me over the years:

"It's your time!" (I have plenty of time when my children are grown and gone.)

"You should be in school." (I'd rather be home and give my children a chance to go to school)

"It's not your job to be home; you should have a career." (I don't look at it as a job; I know it's an honor.)

"How can you stand being with your kids all day? I can't wait until mine are back in school again." (Wow!)

"Are you going to let your girls go to college and have a career?" (Really?)

Every one of these questions has been asked by a woman. Why is it ok for a women today to choose a career, but not ok for them to choose to stay home and take care of their family?

I've actually seen women get MAD at a man for opening a door for them because they can "do it themselves."

My boys:

They are our natural protectors. That's they way they were created. I'll never forget when my children were younger, there was a boy in my daughter's group at church choir that kept picking on her. Each week this little boy would poke her in the back with a pencil. Fed up, she came home and burst into tears one day. The very next Sunday, all three of her brothers lined up outside the classroom door, prepared to have a word with this young man. No words needed; the boy never picked on her again.

Someone gives mom a hard time; my boys don't hesistate to line up on either side of me, arms folded across their chest, ready to take on whoever it is that is messing with me.

So let me tell you about my family and the way we work!

My boys know how to cook, wash dishes, do laundry and clean a house. But I'll admit, when the trash needs emptied, I will usually call on one of my sons to take it out. I also call on them to get the spider (or cockroach), and to lift something heavy for me. I'll admit that I bought them toy trucks to play with as children. I wait for them to open a door for me and I talk to them about making sure they take care of the women/girls in their life. I remind them that they are to protect them, love them and cherish them. I've talked to them about being prepared to take care of their families financially if their future wives want to stay home and how to work together as a team if their wives have a career. My husband fills up my gas tank every Sunday night. He opens doors and drives when we are together. He also helps with laundry, makes me dinner and cleans better than I do these days! He offers his arm or hand when we are out and makes sure to help me bring in the groceries. He is my my protector, loves me and cherishes me.

My girls can lift a suitcase, shoot a gun and work in the yard. They plan on going to college and having a career, but they also talk about motherhood and the children they'll have. They'll get rid of a bug in the house if they have to, but love that they can call on their brothers to do it for them. They had a kitchen and baby dolls to play with as children. I remind them that they should want to be protected, loved and cherished. And I teach them about loving and nurturing.

I believe in ladies and children first.

I believe in men being men and women being women.

I'm not ashamed to have been a stay at home mom for 15 years; yet I willingly took a full-time job to help support my family through these difficult time.

I love that my husband is an awesome stay at home dad while he starts his own business at the same time.

What we've taught our family together is to cherish what God has created us to be. We teach our children to love God, family and so on. We teach them to want to act like ladies and gentlemen. We also teach them that you do whatever it takes to make your family work together. Sometimes that means mom staying home; sometimes it means dad staying home. There is nothing wrong with either. 

Personally, I'm proud of my knights and princesses!