RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

Oct 15 2009

Living the Dream

Do you ever look at your life and think, "I really had no idea I'd someday be living this life?"

How can we know, really, what we'll be doing? I look at my kids today, and I wonder how they'll turn out. I remember when my oldest was 8, he wanted to be a Forest Ranger. From there he wanted to be an Air Force pilot. Then he turned to Civil Engineer, and finally, he's nearing a degree in hospitality. He wants to manage a resort somewhere in the boon dogs. So, it's not quite a Forest Ranger, but close to his heart, still, because he loves being in the outdoors away from it all.

I wonder how my next son will turn out. He's got so much talent in him. And a heart for others. I remember when he was little, he would go up to strangers and ask them if they knew Jesus. There's so much out there for him, it will be interesting to see where it goes.

There's B-boo. From the time she was itty bitty, she made her own fashion statement! We laugh at her whenever she wears matching socks because she just doesn't normally. Things have changed for her so much in the past two years. She has a new passion for Forensics (and not the debating kind)…yuck. We laugh and tease her that she'll be the best dressed forensic scientist that there is! She's the one that seems to have it all planned out; it will be interesting to see what happens!

Next, there is the Smart One. The boy thinks too much. He can figure things out in his head. He loves to just sit and think things up; figure things out. I remember when he was four, we were working on our house. Hubby was trying to pop up tiles and having a hard time getting to them. The Smart One just watched him for a bit, and then said to Dad, "If you turn it around and move over here, you'll get them out easier." Dad did; and it worked. He was amazed at the common sense in such a young child. His fine motor skills are amazing. He can make the tiniest origami things I've ever seen! He says he wants to invent something. He loves math and science; and drafting. I wonder what he'll end up coming up with!

Then there's the Drama Queen. I wonder how long it will take her to figure something out! She has a passion to try out everything in life! She loves, loves, loves to sing! And to dance. And she talks of becoming a doctor. And she wants lots and lots of children. And she'll probably try to do it all!

My son once asked me if I was doing what I wanted with my life. I told him that even as a little girl, I always wanted a big family with 8 kids and a home to go with it. I don't have 8 children, but we're certainly close to it!

I had no idea I'd learn to cook around food allergies, research endometriosis, restless leg syndrome, Celiac disease and Reactive Attachment Disorder; become a nurse, doctor, vet, home school mom, chauffeur, foster aunt and much, much more!

I had no idea of the pain I'd feel when they hurt or the joy I'd feel when they smile.

Of the skip in my heart when I see hubby, even after years of marriage.

Hubby and I were talking last night about where we are. Sometimes we look around and think, "I didn't see it happening like this." We may not have fancy cars and a room for each kid, but God has definitely filled our dreams. We have the big family; the foster children, the loving home; wonderful children, great friends; joy. He's given us all we've needed and more. And that's what I look forward to for my children.

Aug 31 2009

Storms

I love a good storm. I love it when the sky is dark and the heavens pour out. I love the thunder and lightening that comes with it! I love the SMELL of the rain; the anticipation of a good storm, and the dew that's left after wards. To me, there is nothing better than a good rain storm in the fall. That's the best.

In the midst of a storm, I love to cuddle up with a good book and hot coco and sit by an open window, listening to the downpour. Or, cuddle up with a child and read a book, and talk about the rain.

Today, we've started another type of storm. As I sat with my niece in a waiting room, coloring, she explained her page to me. It was of a mermaid. Simple. But this mermaid was sitting under a dark sky of dark clouds. I asked her why the dark clouds, and she said it was because Jesus was crying. I told her that I loved a good storm, it made me feel good.

As the day wore on, we cuddled, we talked, we shared. She asked me at one point why did I have tears. I explained to her that it makes me sad when she is sad. She hugged me and we went on.

She's going to be gone for a while, and I will miss her. She's allowed one phone call each night. She mentioned to someone earlier that she'd like to call her momma. I'll admit I struggle with that, but at the same time, I'm ok with it. A bit ago the phone rang; it was her. She needed me. She missed me. She wants to know when can she come home. To me. And the storm started.

And then the phone rang again. Only this time, it was her momma, asking if I had received the call…because she hadn't. And her storm started. It's not about me, is it?

Earlier today, I was so angry, I wanted to scream. It's not fair, I wanted to cry out. Why? I asked. Why?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.

And He knows the plans He has for the rest of them. And if it takes a storm, then it takes a storm.

So, Bring the Rain, Lord, Bring the Rain.

"Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings

You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain"

Aug 29 2009

The Princess

That would be my niece, the princess. The first time she came to live with us, she was 14 months old. I'm sure we looked quite the family, all of us dark haired wonders…and in the middle, there was this blond-haired green-eyed beauty. She lived with us for over a year while her momma tried to pull her life back together, and after 14 months, she went home to live with her momma and three month old baby brother. And our lives felt as if they'd been ripped apart. And we mourned the loss of our little blond baby.

We'd see her on holidays and birthdays and watch her grow older. We knew she had issues, but we also knew that there was nothing we could do about it.

Six months ago, the princess came back to live with us, this time, bringing along her now five year old brother. And so it is.

I won't lie and say that life hasn't dealt her some pretty hard blows. I also won't lie and say it is easy; it's even harder this time around. There are many days when I just want to give up because frankly, it's just too hard. But I remind myself (or others remind me) that our God is a big God and He knows what He is doing. And so we try harder.

The Princess has ADHD, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and much more. She's not able to trust; not able to let it go and let herself love. She struggles in school, at home, everywhere. She has a strong need to be in control and has a hard time making friends. She has an even stronger need to be accepted, to be wanted, to be loved. And it's hard.

I imagine that as hard as it is for the rest of us, it's even harder for her. In a world that has completely let her down, she has to survive.

Sometimes, my selfishness, my humanness, gets in the way of me. I wonder if I'm really making a difference in her life. It *seems* that she pushes me away more than she asks me to never leave her. And I beg Him to just give me a little sign that I"m doing the right thing; that perhaps she is healing.

Several weeks ago, I gave her a princess bracelet. She loves princesses and wants to be one. What little girl wouldn't? Especially one who has never felt like a princess before. So when I saw the bracelet, I thought of her and how much she'd like it. I presented it to her and told her all about how she was my princess and that pretty heart charm was to show her how much I love her. She accepted the gift. It quickly broke and was forgotten. On our way home, my mom handed it to me. It didn't seem like much, but to me, it signified how easily the Princess will move on, not really attaching to anything. I understand it's part of the RAD, but when I'm worn down, it still hurts. Selfish, I know. I brought the bracelet home and put the heart charm into my jewelry box.

Sunday, her momma gave her a pretty pink bracelet with a pretty pink heart charm. She wore it home and treasures it. She is thrilled to finally have her momma make her feel like a princess. I get that. I am happy for her. On Wednesday, we got to school and she realized she'd forgotten to put her bracelet on. She lost it. I felt like the meanest mom/aunt that morning because as much as I told her I understood, I have no idea what it is like to go through what she has. And I felt even worse, because that afternoon, when she got home and asked me to help her put the bracelet on, my heart hurt…because she was so excited for this gift from the one who has so often rejected her and yet, she rejected me. And try as I might to tell myself to grow up, I wondered if I was really helping her at all.

Until last night. Because last night, she came downstairs with something in her hand. It was a little silver heart with a pink stone in it. She said she was carrying it around, because it was from her other momma; me. And she didn't have anything to put the heart on…and could I please put it on her bracelet with the heart from her other momma. And so we did. And she was so happy, because now she had both of her momma's hearts to wear all the time.

And I learned something from my princess, the little girl who has such a hard time showing, and receiving, love. I learned that a little girl who so easily tosses things aside, kept that special heart, and held on to it, and never said a word about it. I learned that our God cares enough about the both of us; enough to let her know how much she is loved and enough to show me that He is at work, even when I can't see it.

Jun 20 2009

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Reactive Attachment Disorder, also known as RAD. Words to describe it: heartbreaking, sad, exhausting, overwhelming, confusing, frustrating. It's something that most people probably would not understand unless they've lived with it. A quick trip the grocery store might turn into a long battle that makes you want to quit and just go home. A simple play time might turn into something ugly. There is a need to be right at all times; a need to be in control at all times. Some say the closer you get, the harder it gets. You are pushed away and then pulled close. Bingo…I think that's the best way to describe it; a constant pushing and pulling. Common symptoms of RAD include:

A child who is superficially engaging and charming with strangers and visitors.
A child who is Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, including hugging and talking about intimate family details.
A Child who fails to make or maintain eye contact on his or her parent's terms.
A child who is not affectionate on his or her parent's terms, but may be over huggy and clingy on their own terms.
A Self-destructive and/or accident prone child.
Hurtful or unsafe with others and material property.
A child who is cruel to animals.
Lying about the obvious, nonsense lying. Even when no real motivation for a lie exists.
Stealing, including items of no use to the child.
A child with no impulse controls. Often labeled as hyperactive.
Lack of normal developmental and behavior milestones.
Learning Lags.
Unable to understand cause and effect.
Appears to lack a conscience.
Eating disorders.
Poor social and peer relationships.
Some children are preoccupied with fire .
Some children are preoccupation with blood and gore.
Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
Abnormal speech patterns, baby talk or nonsense talking, gibberish.
Triangulation of adults. Manipulation of situations between adults.
Presumptive entitlement issues.
Parents appear hostile and angry and over controlling.

My niece has RAD. She exhibits most of the above symptoms. She is beautiful. She is wonderful. She is wonderfully made. She desperately needs love; unconditional love. She often feels alone, retreating to herself. I'd love for her to realize one day, she's not. She's not alone. She's worthy. She's lovable. She's wanted. She's valued.

Through a series of unfortunate events, we are here. We're told that the best thing; the only thing that will help my niece is to give her a stable, long-lasting home. It will take a lot of work. It will be hard on the rest of the kids and family. We will have to find the balance. It is hard; very hard. It is exhausting.

A wise friend told me a couple of weeks ago that I needed to put on my armor. She could see that I was exhausted and felt like I was too tired to go on. I just looked at her and told her that I didn't have the energy anymore. I love her, because she wouldn't take that as an excuse from me. She was loving, yet firm, and told me to stand up each morning and put on the armor. She said that I was in a fight, a fight for my children. And she was right. I need to stop trying to do it alone and realize that God knows. He is in control. He loves my niece more than I do. So, I put on my armor each day. I found this prayer on Google…I like it.

Armor of God Prayer

Today is a new day. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Isaiah 40:28-31
²⁸ Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

May 26 2009

Compassion

Last week was not a fun week. Sunday was slightly difficult. It was a morning where I just wanted to be able to sit and worship in church and not have to deal with any life. Just Worship and Praise. Instead, by the time Worship came, I was a little distracted and trying hard to relax and let it be.

I sat next to a friend who knew just why I was feeling this way. And just when I thought I'd been *given the freedom button* to have one hour of peace, I was given a dose of reality; a reminder of my current life situation, one that I won't be free of anytime soon. There was to be no break for me on any day of this week. And it really stunk to high heaven!

I guess you could say I had a bit of a bad attitude. I *should* be able to come to church and worship without having to deal with this stuff, right? Isn't it enough that I have to deal with it day in and day out with no end in sight? Isn't it enough that my family is working so hard while it seems like another is on vacation? Obviously, my head and heart were not in the right place by the time I sat down to worship. And God was not about to let me get away with my pity party on this Sunday morning either. As I sat back down, the following words filled the screen.

"Everyone needs Compassion.
The kindness of a Savior."

Conviction, cutting right to the heart, reminding me of what my Savior has done for me. And that it's not all about me. And that this is not my church, this is His church. And that the other woman sitting next to me needed compassion today….and the kindness of a Savior. And that He had mercy on me, and I should have mercy with her. I looked at my friend sitting to my right. We both knew at that moment that God was speaking to me through this song; through Worship in His church. And in that moment, I was finally able to truly Worship and experience the peace that I desperately needed.

Everyone needs compassion,

Love that's never failing;

Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,

The kindness of a Saviour;

The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,

We're singing for the glory of the risen King…Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

My Saviour, you can move the mountains,

You are mighty to save,

You are mighty to save.

Forever, Author of Salvation,

You rose and conquered the grave,

Yes, you conquered the grave

Shine your light and let the whole world see,

We're singing for the glory of the risen King…Jesus