Family - It's a Vivas Thing!

Feb 22 2015

Cousin Fun!

For those of you who have big families, I am sure you can understand how our family dynamics work when we all get together. The older generation are the grandparents. The next generation has us all as “Tio and Tia.” We are actually most of us cousins, but there are just too many of us. Then, all of the younger generation are simply cousins. That’s just how we roll.

There is always a lot of laughter when we are together and one never knows what to expect. We’ve raised our kids in this madness which can only make things crazier. Ah, the stories we could share…

Like the time one of the younger ones was conned into shaving her lips…

Or when two of them decided to sandwich another one; only the victim knew it was about to happen so moved at the last minute. And the two troublemakers had a head on collision…literally; resulting in a lot of blood, swelling, and attempt to cover it up…as if we wouldn’t notice the aftermath!

Bella Sandwich — Apparently they didn’t think we would notice anything different about her face….

Most recently, hubby took the DQ to go visit his parents for a few days. She was thrilled to be able to spend time with her favorite cousins.

Crazy Cousins — The one of her right is six months older…the one on the left is 2 years older.

photo 1 (4) — It’s the only way she’ll ever be taller than them!

In keeping with their usual antics, they decided to play a little game. So not long after she’d arrived, my sister-in-law sent me this photo.

Afraid to ask what had happened, she assured me that no one was hurt and sent me the following videos…which she took….in slow motion.

Not to be outdone by his younger brother, my nephew decided to try it too, if the DQ was still up for it. (Of course she was!) only he landed in the wall, which explains the first photo she sent.

We are planning a trip together in a few months.

Hopefully with ALL OF US!

Hopefully we will all survive!

I can hardly wait for it!

Feb 20 2015

What are good choices anyway?

Someone asked the other day, “What are good choices anyway?” I just happened to read it on her tweet (Hey, Tree..this one’s for you!)..and told her I’d have to write a blog about it!

I’ve thought a lot about this over the last 24 hours…and here’s what I’ve come up with:

Choices made by parents

As parents, we have to make all kinds of choices. I am sure I am not the only one who has questioned some of the choices I’ve made as a parent. Parents make mistakes. We often joke that our first child is our guinea pig, and then we learn as we grow as a family. It’s been my experience that the older we get, the more we relax as parents and things that may have seemed detrimental with the first child isn’t so much so as we get to number seven…to all of the oldest children out there….I apologize for all past, present, and future parents. You’ll get there one day, and then you’ll understand.

That said, in regards to our children, a lot of choices we make are sacrificial choices; therefore they are good choices. An example of this is our dear Drama Queen. She was born with severe, life threatening food allergies. As an infant, there wasn’t a formula she could drink. And, she was allergic to my breast-milk if I ate anything she was allergic to. I just knew we’d both die of starvation before it was all over. I made a good choice to stop eating anything she was allergic to so that she could be healthy. I was super skinny and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was necessary to help her. (My husband however, made a bad choice when he ate chocolate in front of me, knowing I couldn’t have it. 😯 )

Sometimes we have to make choices for the benefit of others, even when it’s not easy for us. When we choose sacrificial love, we both benefit, therefore it’s a good choice.

Parenting adult children offers a whole new realm of choices. I believe as parents we have to make the choice to support them in certain decisions, even when we don’t agree with them. For instance, they may choose a career path that is not what we would have chosen for them, but it’s their choice as adults to decide what it is they want to do as a career for the rest of their life. That choice may not make them wealthy or may not make life easy for them, but it’s their choice. Supporting them in this area is definitely a good choice. 🙂

Choices made under the influence of others

As parents, we have often heard, “but so and so is doing it,” to which we respond, “Well, if so and so jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?”

Too often we are influenced in our choices by others. Just because everyone else is doing this, does not mean it’s the right choice for us. Bad choice. Nuff said?

Influencing others in their choices

This one is a little more difficult. Two scenarios:

Influencing your friend or loved one to make a choice because it benefits you, not them, is not a good choice. Now, I’m sure we can think of a time when we really wanted someone to do something because it was to our benefit…you know you’ve all worked really hard to persuade someone, right? Now, if that’s a choice to go to Chic-fil-A, then, ok, not so bad (unless they are allergic to peanuts…)

But when it comes to life choices, or if they are seeking your advice, put some thought into it, and make sure you have integrity, because you need to make sure you are not thinking about what would be better for you, and instead, what is it that they need to hear. Remember, what may be good for you is not necessarily what is good for them.

Impulsive Choices

I’m all for impulsivity and flexibility…living life to the fullest. I can impulsively choose ice cream or chocolate at just about any moment! Not necessarily good for my weight, but definitely good for my spirit!

I can impulsively choose to buy a gift for someone just because I know they’d like it. Good choice.

But sometimes, we need to step back and think about the consequences. How will this affect me in the long run? Is it going to hurt someone else? Is there any benefit to this choice at all other than right at this moment it will make me feel better? Too often we make choices based on the moment; not always a good choice.

Which brings me to the next topic:

Your Word and Integrity come with a choice.

Promises are made by choice. Ever heard the term, empty promises? Think about what it is you are promising before you make the promise. Honoring your WORD is a good choice. Empty promises, not so much.

Integrity; we can choose every day to live our life with integrity. Integrity=good choice. Selfishness=bad choice.

Make sure when your choice affects someone else you put careful thought into it first.

Choices made in relationships

This one is hard because we tend to hurt those we love the most. Why? Because we know they will always be there for us.

A choice to put someone else’s need ahead of our own in the relationship. Good choice. Why? Because if both parties are more concerned about the other, it’s a win, win. Ever heard of the story where the girl cuts her long hair to buy a gold chain for her husband’s watch, but he sells the watch to buy a beautiful comb for her long hair? The choice to love unconditionally is always a good choice.

And so, here are some of my thoughts on “What are good choices anyway?”

Bottom line?

Choosing to do what is right and true and good is always a good choice.

Thanks for the inspiration, Miss Tree!

Feb 08 2015

Our Deepest Treasure…

I realize as we grow older, we will encounter loss. It’s inevitable. It’s also not something we can ever prepare ourselves for, whether the loss is after a long illness or sudden and unexpected.

Over the past few years, I’ve watched friends lose their spouses and how they come thru it. Recently, there have been even more.

Loss is devastating. As my cousin said to me yesterday, it’s a slow process and takes time to re-establish. Yes, it does.

I remember when our neighbor lost her husband suddenly in an auto accident. The Smart One was so sweet; it was only weeks before Valentine’s Day and so he insisted on getting her a card since no one else would be giving her one that year. It was beautiful. That was several years ago; and yet this week, as we were talking, she mentioned she is finally ready to deal with his death. Grief has it’s own timeline.

I have another friend who is just so special to me. She lost her husband suddenly after an unexpected illness. She is so strong and has it so put together. And yet, when asked if she was a Ms. or a Mrs. this week, she faltered, and then replied “Mrs.” I could just see her face change…and all I could do was hug her and tell her I love her.

I’ve watched others sit by their spouse’s bedsides as they lose their fight to cancer or another illness. It’s hard enough to watch them go thru it; I cannot imagine the heartbreak. And yet, they are strong, and they somehow make it thru.

I have another friend who is a young widow; now a single mother. I don’t think she really has any idea how much she amazes me. Her entire life was turned upside down and she rose to the challenge, went to work, went to school, and changes the lives of others every single day.

Recently, someone asked me if love was enough…and is it love if we think we’d be ok if anything happened to them.

I thought about this a lot since then. Did I give the wrong answer? My grandparents died exactly one year to the day apart. They spent their whole lives together; my grandfather went first, and she joined him a year later.

I replied I know I’d be able to make it thru. And honestly, I’d rather it be me left behind first, because I know I am strong and have my kids and friends and loved ones to get me thru. It’s not that I don’t love him deeply, I do. It’s just that I’m the type that works my way thru things. He’s been a part of helping me to become that strong.

When things are tough, I re-establish.

I worry about my honey though. I’m not so sure he’d be ok. Not that he’s not strong, he is. But I sooooo don’t want him to suffer that type of loss.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I think about those who have lost their loved ones. And they remind me,

“Cherish the moments with the ones you love, because you don’t know if it will be your last.”

Recently, someone was talking about their loss, and how it was coming up to five years. She said to me, “I spent so much time regretting what I didn’t do and what I should have done. And it’s taken me five years to get thru the pain. So, Hope, if you see this, pray for pain.”

I was like…huh?

And she continued, “Pray for pain. Because sometimes, it takes pain for us to see what we’ve lost. And I’d rather have pain now, then when it’s too late to make any changes. Embrace the pain and learn from it. Then you realize what you lost and how to move forward.”

Love is a gift to be held on to.

I think perhaps that sometimes today’s generation has the wrong idea of what love is; that it’s temporary. They wait for the “BAM!” so they will know it is real and continue to look for something better instead of treasuring what they already have. Society today looks at what can they get out of love, instead of what are they willing to put into it.

They forget, that it’s a choice to show someone that they are their deepest treasure.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day with old friends. For a bit, we pondered on the good ole days. Back when things were easier, and our kids were younger and we had fun together. They’re about to be empty nesters. It will be just the two of them. What will they do?

As we said our goodbyes and walked away, the two of them made fun of us, “Ah look, they’re holding hands.”

As we started the 90 minute drive back home, my husband made sure to put on music he knew I’d like. We made small chat for a few minutes, but I was tired after a long day. I felt guilty at first, for not talking much. But then, I thought…this is so nice. Just the two of us, listening to music, driving together…comfortable enough to just be.

We’ve been together a long time. And I pray we have many more years to come. And I hope, I’m one that says, I’m glad I did, instead of I wish I had.

Jan 24 2015

Model Pranksters

So I came across a video this week and it really kinda got to me. It reminded me of the times we’ve gone with B-Boo to feed the homeless and pass out blankets. It never ceases to amaze me how no matter how down they are, they still rush to help each other and make sure the others are being taken care of as well.

They are the first to take care of each other. Instead of trying to get more, they offer what little they have. They are grateful for whatever they are given. They understand acts of kindness and love.

In the video, the well dressed guy is helped, while the homeless man is discarded; ignored. Which got me to thinking even more about people in general.

Who are we most like when it comes to showing kindness and compassion to others in our lives? Do we only show kindness to those who have it all together and ignore those in our lives who don’t?

Do we makes excuses for our own actions of meanness and indifference by convincing ourselves that those we treat this way somehow deserve it?

Even more, are we the one that has no problem showing mercy and grace to strangers who desperately need help, but then have no problem stepping on those in our own personal lives that need us more than ever?

Do we so easily discard those we claim to love like they are so undeserving of anything more from us?

I hope not!

I pray that I can be an example to those who surround me. That I can not become so wrapped up in my own life and my own needs, that I forget what love and compassion and kindness are all about. That I can look around and notice when there is a need and and act upon it…in the right way. I pray that I can stop making excuses for any mean thing that I do, and instead recognize it and stop myself, and do the right thing.

Do the right thing because it is what we are called to do.

I believe that we are called to be good, and true, and kind, and compassionate and to love others as we would want to be loved. I also know that sometimes, we are so caught up in ourselves that we forget.

Instead, we close our eyes to that which we don’t want to see and convince ourselves that our behavior is ok, when it really isn’t.

Meanness is never ok and love conquers all. Sometimes we just lose our focus and need a little reminder.

This is me, just being real.

Here’s the video.

Jan 20 2015

The Struggle…

I was talking to a friend today as he shared about a friend of his getting a divorce. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I said to him, “Yeah, you may have to love them, but there will be plenty of times where you won’t like them.” (Meaning our spouses)…to which he started laughing and confirmed rather quickly, “You got that right!” I then was able to add, “That’s where commitment comes in.” But it was pretty funny.

We went on to speak a little bit more about society’s lack of commitment and understanding of what love is today.

In light of an earlier conversation with my husband, my brain has once again started the pondering process that just-won’t-let-me-sleep.

And what is it you say?

LOVE

Why is it we can so easily hurt those we claim to love the most? Is it because we think they will always be there for us? That they will never ever leave us?

I mean, something has to be said for the confidence we feel in knowing that we can always depend on the love we receive, right? Or is it something more?

Is it commitment?

The commitment of a parent to a child?

The commitment of a husband to a wife?

A relationship, be it friend or lover?

I’m an empathizer. I used to think I was a sympathizer, but I realize more and more that when those I love hurt, I just feel it deep down. And it hurts. I should probably work on that. 🙂

I’ve had some dear, sweet friends suffer some great losses lately. And it just makes me sad. But, at the same time, I am amazed at the love and commitment that they have shown to their loved ones. Decades of loving and caring and being there thru the good and the bad. Wow.

I can only hope that our marriage and parenting can be that kind of example to others.

So many couples today have no grasp of what real love is. They want to test it out and if it doesn’t work, well then, that’s ok and they move on to the next one.

I think the media has given us a wrong idea of what love really is. Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing better than a great romance movie! But it honestly just isn’t that easy. It’s not a fairy tale. It takes hard work, and perseverance and patience, and some days, reminding ourselves of what we fell in love with to begin with…and most importantly…

…Reminding ourselves of why our love is always worth fighting for!

And parenthood? So many parents have no grasp of what it really means to love and be committed to their children. Unfortunately, I see that way more often than I ever thought possible. It just breaks my heart.

As an adoptive parent, I’m learning that no matter how much love I have to give, it just might never be enough to break thru the damage that has been done. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But as I sat with my sweet friend this evening, we had a little epiphany…

Maybe the reason it’s so hard, is because my daughter knows deep down how much I love her. Maybe she acts this way because she knows how committed I am to her since we persevered for years in order to be able to finally adopt her and that no matter what, I’m not about to stop loving her. For you see, as parents, we are not going anywhere.

Maybe, maybe not. I just don’t know. But I’ll keep trying. And I’ll keep loving.

So, here I am, midnight…and it’s here.

This is me…just being real.