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Because I can…

One year ago today, I woke up anxious and afraid; afraid because I had no idea how much my life was about to change.

The couple of weeks prior to this were a crazy blur. My life had gone from planning for Christmas vacation and the wonderful activities we’d do, to being told I need surgery right away. The doctor was surprised I could even use my arm. It became a rush to get all of the necessary tests done so they could operate.

Five. Days. Before. Christmas.

And then, it was time. The more the doctors walked me thru, the more anxious I became. There was the nerve doctor who would have my arms , neck and more hooked up to his machines so that he could monitored my nerves to make sure the surgeon didn’t hit something that would affect my ability to move; feel, etc.

The surgeon came in and started drawing on my neck. He wanted to mark out where he would be cutting in order to have the least amount of visible scars as possible. We had a good laugh about cutting thru the wrinkles in my neck so no one would even know!

After that came the anesthesiologist, the nurses, and I honestly can’t remember who else. It seemed like they just kept coming, one after another. I tried to keep my game face on and not show my daughter just how incredibly scared and nervous I was; and I’m pretty sure she was doing the same for me; trying to be brave for me.

But the thoughts were there. Would I be able to use my arms? Would I be able to turn my head? Would something go wrong resulting in parallelization?

As they wheeled me in and prepped me on the table, I couldn’t stop the tear that slid down my cheek. The nurse was so kind and reminded me to relax and breathe and trust that they had this. And the next thing I knew I was awake. It was over. And I hurt.

The next several weeks were a blur of trying to sleep on the recliner. Friends and co-workers bringing in meals. My kids waiting on me hand and foot. I was unable to do much of anything. Couldn’t brush or wash my hair. Couldn’t walk up the stairs by myself. Couldn’t shower by myself. Couldn’t go anywhere without my neck brace. The support I received from my kids and friends are what got me thru.

The day the stitches came out, I cried. All I could think of was that the little kinders at my school would be afraid of me because of the slash across my throat. I spent a good amount of time on Amazon buying pretty scarves to cover it up.

Finally, I was allowed to leave the house and take a walk! That first lap around the park was so slow, but my daughter was with me the whole way. The kids were great and would take turns walking with me at the park as I built up my balance and my strength.

Finally, I was allowed to start physical therapy! I’ll never forget walking in the first day and being exhausted after 45 minutes. And all I did was try to turn my head and sit in a chair and lift my legs up! I finally made it back to work only to find that it was exhausting sitting up in a chair and holding my head up! It was like my neck was carrying a bowling ball.

I also remember hitting the halfway mark. Six months in, still doing physical therapy three times a week and getting stronger every day. But I still wasn’t able to lift more than five pounds and my grandson was due to arrive soon! It was time. So my Physical Therapist and I came up with a plan. I found a gym that had everything I needed to continue with therapy and off I went! My goal was to be able to walk a 5K by October.

It has been exactly one year today since my surgery. I still meet with my physical therapist every week. I work out at the gym at least three days a week. I now own several pairs of work out clothes.

I can now walk three or four 5K’s a week and then work out with weights and resistance bands after that!

It’s not easy. It’s hard. Sometimes really hard! I wish my arms and neck were stronger and I could do more. And then my PT reminds me of what I am already doing.

And then I look at where I was a year ago…

So why get up at the crack of dawn and head to the gym on my first day of Christmas vacation?

Because I can…

Thank you to everyone who has walked with me this past year. I am so very grateful 💜

Sometimes, there are no words…

A little over ten years ago, I met a wonderful boy named Josh. I was teaching youth ministry at the time, and his older sister had brought him to class with her. You could tell she  absolutely adored him. And we would soon find out why…

Josh was so easy to love. He smile was so inviting…you couldn’t help but smile along with him! He loved his family and friends, and anyone else who crossed his path. He was funny and charming and had such a servant’s heart. And he loved his father so much. He would talk about his dad with so much pride in his voice; he made sure others knew how wonderful his dad was.

Losing Josh was such a shock. I remember the phone call telling us what had happened and not believing it. I remember the sinking reality as we headed over to his house and sat with his parents; and the days, weeks, and months that passed after. I remember the tears and the sorrow.

Most of all, I remember the people who came forward, sharing stories about how he had touched them; the kindness that he shared with everyone who crossed his path.

Josh was loved, BECAUSE he loved.

I remember when the Josh Stevens Foundation was first started and my dear friend, Drew came to speak to the staff at my school. It was the first time I had heard him share the story of Josh and his kindness publicly. There was not a dry eye in that room; every heart was touched.

It has been nearly ten years since the accident. Tonight, I was honored to attend the dedication of the Josh Stevens Elementary School. And when Drew, Josh’s dad, went up to speak, all I could think of was how much Josh loved his dad.

Josh is missed; but his legacy lives on. His legacy lives on because the dad that he adored has spent countless hours sharing his story. Lives are touched because Drew is so willing to be so real. More importantly, he is willing to show so much love and kindness to those he speaks to; especially the thousands of students he meets. You see, he doesn’t just tell his story; it’s much more than that. He patiently takes the time to listen as student after student waits to tell him their story. To tell him of their loss. To give hug after hug because they feel so connected to him.

Josh was so blessed to have Drew as his father. He so wanted to be just like him. And he was. Josh was so willing to love and serve others because he received so much of it from his parents.

As I walked around and saw the Be Kind shirts, I couldn’t help but remember the earlier days and how much love his mom and sister put into designing the shirts that would honor his legacy. The halls were filled with kindness and encouragement and the inspiration for students everywhere to leave their own.

I had to fight to hold back the tears. Everywhere I looked, the school embraced Josh’s legacy. And I couldn’t help but remember when “Be Kind” was first started; and think, “Wow! Look how far…” Sometimes there just aren’t any other words…

 

 

Only so much time…

We are only given so much time.

Time to love. Time to laugh. Time to cry. Time to grow.

Time to spend with those we love.

Time to live.

We spend so much time being busy. Busy being a mom. An employee. The list goes on. Sometimes, we are forced to slow down. With my recent surgery, I was definitely forced into a slow down period. And as hard as it has been, the most positive part of it is the time it has given me to spend with my family, with friends, and more. It has been wonderful to spend time with precious friends I hadn’t seen in ages.

But even more, is the time I spend with my kids; my family. I know some people look forward to the “empty nester” stage. I know, I know….they have to grow up some time. But, in the meantime, I’m going to continue enjoying the walks in the park with my boys. It’s a time to talk and learn more about each other as we grow older. A time to learn that the Talented One loves Doris Day music. Who knew? I love her singing and acting! So we walk, and talk, and listen to music from “before my day” while my youngest son tries his hardest not to face plant on his new longboard. Then there’s the long talks on the back porch or at the kitchen table with the Smart One. Oh, how I treasure those moments with my boys. It won’t be long before they will be gone and the talks and walks will go with them.

The time I spend with my girls. When the Drama Queen rushes in bouncing on my bed to tell me (with full drama, of course) all about her day. And we often talk until one of us falls asleep. Or when the Princess tells me what she learned in health class today, or of deeper conversations of who she wants to be one day and how she’s going to get there.

I miss the days when my oldest daughter would watch a movie with me on a Sunday afternoon…and of course, fall asleep. Or we’d catch up after a long day, or plan trips together.

An my oldest…I miss going into his room in the evenings and chatting before bed.

As they get older, they find others to spend their time with. And naturally, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or a wonderful spouse.

Recently, I had some one on one with my oldest… and we had the best time just talking and eating ice cream. I actually went home and cried. Not because I was sad, but because it had been so long since we just sat and talked and enjoyed some time together…and so I was a emotional. He’ll understand it one day with his own children. The pride you feel as they grow older, but the pain you feel as they grow older.

Soon, we’ll be welcoming a new member into the family. I am so…overcome with emotion as I look forward to meeting my grand-baby. Oh, the talks we will have; the walks we will have…

But for now, I’m going to continue to enjoy the time I have in those moments on my porch, or in my bedroom, or at the park….and eating ice cream….and perhaps, even sneaking in a trip or two…

 

Contagious Smiles

Christmas has come and gone and the 2018 has already begun. With my recent surgery, I’ve had a lot of sitting time; time with my children, and time with myself. I’m finally at the point of spending time on my computer, so I pulled up the photos from opening our gifts…and my heart was filled with warmth.

I’m more of a “wait to the last minute” kind of shopper…I don’t shop on Black Friday, and I like to personalize my gifts. I want to be able to find that perfect gift that they will remember. It’s not about expense, but more of a gift that will mean something to them. I think for me, I want them to know that I get them; that it’s important for me for them to know that I know them.

This year, I discovered I’d be having surgery, which meant I literally had a small amount of time to get the gifts, wrap them, and get the house ready for Christmas. Online shopping became my new best friend in helping me to find that perfect gift! There were many things that went undone. There were things I couldn’t do and had to have help with. I needed help wrapping presents as they arrived at the door. I needed help with grocery shopping for Christmas dinner. I needed help stuffing stockings on Christmas Eve.  I needed help with so much. This Christmas was so not traditional at all.

Christmas Eve was spent on the couch in a recliner watching a movie instead of making cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next day. Christmas morning, my children set up breakfast once we all started moving around. We would be waiting until the evening when we could all gather together to open gifts.

My wonderful children all worked together to put a fantastic meal together. And finally, it was time to open gifts. They waited patiently when it was time for each of them to open their special gifts.  And the smiles…contagious smiles all the way around. It just warmed my heart on a a day where tradition went out the window, that we all had such a nice time. The best gift they could have given me; happy to be together.

As the this year continues, I hope that we make time to just be together. To be happy. To enjoy one another. To make time for those that are important to us. And that there are smiles; lots of contagious smiles all around.

            

 

Capturing those special moments…

Last weekend we celebrated my daughter’s Sweet 16. This is a moment she has been looking forward to since we started planning her older sister’s Sweet 16 over five years ago. She has talked about it and talked about it for years.

We spent plenty of time planning the event, right down to what food, what it will look like, when her brothers will dance with her, when her sisters will dance with her, what the rest of the familia will be doing….it’s all been in the planning stages for what seems forever.

So it was only natural that I wanted to capture every moment. Even more so, since I love capturing those special moments with my camera. Actually, I love capturing any moment on my camera. 🙂 And the older my teens get, the more I don’t want to miss out on anything. I realize even more today, that there is only so much time left with them. Having four adult children already, there is so much that I miss. And that’s ok, they are adults and have to be about adulting. But, the only way I get to share in those moments is when they share with me what they have been doing, whether it be a conversation, a photo, or both!

Luckily, my son’s girlfriend shares a love for photographing with me. So when we celebrated family style, she was all about capturing those precious moments for me. And between the two of us, we captured a lot of memories.

But there was a precise moment, when we were all dancing together and having fun, and I thought to myself, “I need to stop and go get my camera.”

And then, it hit me. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just enjoy the moment that we are in. We just can’t capture everything on camera. And that is ok. What’s more important is for us to just relax, be in the moment, have fun, smile, and make a memory.

Capturing a moment on camera is something to be treasured.

Making a memory is something never will never be offered again.

And so, I put down my camera, and I danced. And I laughed. And I captured the moment in my heart.

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